Hurting

To be honest, I want to blog to share my story and help people. But I don’t feel like I have much to say that will make anyone feel good.

The last few years haven’t really been a walk in the park, but before this year, I was okay with that. I had already made so much progress on myself and my mental health, I felt that I was working to build a good future for myself. I believed that making hard decisions now would be beneficial in the future. This ranges from things like making sacrifices so we could invest in a house, to investing in my own mental health by having deifficult conversations and separating from people who were toxic. It was hard, but it would all be worth it in the end, I thought.

2019 has really taken the wind out of those sails.

We suffered two unsustainable pregnancies this year, one of which required surgery. This was an especially dark time because, while we got support from people closest to us, it also revealed a lot of toxic traits in relationships we had with other people. Of course, it has also taken its financial toll.

I’m now estranged from most of my family, and this happened with my closest family while I was still dealing with the loss of Charlie and Henley. As I blogged about in my last post, this was a difficult process of realizing how much guilt I had internalized. It doesn’t help that confrontation makes me panic, so the past few months or so have been heaping piles of panicking to tears. This, and many other things, are just piling on.

I wish I could take something good from this. I wish that I could write about how I’m going to get stronger from all of this and it’s going to create a world of opportunities for me. Even the places where I am getting stronger, like standing up for my emotional boundaries, feel like there is no point. Part of me does still trust that this all will have its purpose, but a much larger part of me feels that I have constantly been let down in life and always will be.

I’m hurting, and I don’t know how to let go of that hurt.

Maybe posting this on an emotional wellness blog seems a bit hypocritical. It is important for me to be honest about that pain, though. Even though my hope is diminishing that things will get better, I also know that I’m not doing myself any favors by pretending that isn’t the case. This isn’t the first time I’ve lived my life without a light at the end of a tunnel, and I know the first step to finding emotional wellness before was opening up. So I do know emotional wellness isn’t always about finding good in the pain…sometimes, the most one can do is just admit the pain is there.