Self-Blame

I am realizing I have a habit of finding defects in myself and blaming myself whenever I am uncomfortable in my environment, instead of recognizing my feelings as valid and holding people accountable for their actions.

For the past year or so, I have been trying really hard to break this habit. But the process of doing so has made it clear to me that the habit was not formed in a vacuum.

One of the biggest criticisms I’ve faced as I’ve tried to hold people accountable for toxic behaviors is that I should have brought this to them before. It’s true; I have been bothered by toxic behaviors for a long time and it has always been a strong part of my moral code to be honest with people, even when it’s hard. “I can’t fix anything when you don’t talk to me,” people have been saying.

I was also raised with an emphasis on taking responsibility for what I say. I should be aware of when something I say is going to be hurtful. As the mantra goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” If I can’t find the way to talk about something without causing someone pain, then it’s better off not just said.

My parents made it clear when I hurt them.

“This is just how families are, you need to let go of this.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be a parent.”

“I’m sorry that you are interpreting things in a way that makes you feel like that.”

“When have I ever done anything to make you feel that way?”

“If what you’re saying is true then I’ve failed as a parent.”

“Do you understand how much it hurts me to hear you say that?”

I never talked to anyone about how losing their temper affected me because I would have been selfishly putting my feelings before theirs. I never told people that I didn’t apprciate their passive-agressive comments because I was just reading into what they were saying. I never called anyone out for berating people I cared about behind their backs because it was clear they didn’t really mean it like that and I was the only one who would feel uncomfortable in that situation.

The feedback I constantly received is that I was not responsible for my words. I was the one being unreasonable, too sensitive, too unforgiving. Consequently, whenever I felt that something was wrong, I scrutinized those feelings and looked for real, clear indicators that demonstrated whatever was wrong. Anything that was ambiguous was thrown out. But I couldn’t find anything too real, because that would cause too much pain.

This was a daunting and impossible task. With nothing remaining to validate my feelings, more often than not, I kept things to myself.

But honesty was still a strong part of my moral code. I needed to tell the truth and bring all my feelings to the table, even if I didn’t want to, because the people I love and who take care of me deserved to know. Unfortunately, I found a way to deal with this cognitive dissonance. I took the blame to heart.

I isolated myself. I internalized that I was only uncomfortable with my environment because I was broken and defective. I figured everyone was better off without me around. I’m getting better, but at my core, I still believe this, and it continues to affect my relationships with other people.

There were, of course, times that I tried to push past this. But it has always been turned around on me. It’s only within the past few years that I started acknowledging that I was the one who was let down in these interactions, not the other way around.

I know they don’t intend it. I know sometimes the stuff I have to say is hard to hear, especially because I know my family has worked so hard to foster a safe environment. I know these reactions to challenege my feelings and not acknowledge any change that needs to be made are reflexive. I know they’re not aware of them. But they know exactly what to say to trigger this internalized self-hatred and make me doubt that my feelings are valid. Regardless of if they are aware of that or not, there’s only so much of that I can take.

So here I am. I haven’t talked to my mom and some other relatives on her side in several months. It’s been over two years since I’ve last talked to anyone on my dad’s side of the family. I’ve missed holidays, funerals, and more. Even as I am writing this blog post, my grandma called me and asked if I had the “decency to call her back if I even still want her in my life”–as if I’m being entirely inconsiderate of anyone’s feelings but my own. As if I want it to be this way. As if the reason all of this is coming up now is because I got what I wanted out of them and need an excuse to separate myself from them.

I deserve respect. I deserve to not be treated like I’m making my concerns up or that I’m being convinced to hate my family.

For one thing, the timing of my honesty should not affect the amount of respect I am given.

My main point, however is that I have every right to address behaviors I feel are toxic and unhealthy. I have every right to hold people accountable for crossing my boundaries, even if that means telling them something that’s difficult to hear. And most importantly, it is not up to me to deal with the weight that makes them feel.

If I learn that I’ve consistently been crossing someone’s boundaries and that makes me feel hurt or confused, it is not their responsibility to deal with that hurt just because they are the ones who told me. Ultimately, it is mine. I can find others to help, and I can be honest about how that hurts and how I will need time to process it. However, if I put weight on the other person, not only does that translate as refusing to take responsibility for crossing their boundaries; it also creates an environment where they are not safe to communicate further boundaries with me.

I understand and care that my words are hurtful and confusing. And I have consistently done my best to mimize that impact. But I will not stop taking steps to make sure my boundaries are protected, nor will I convince myself that my feelings are invalid, just because someone will be hurt otherwise.

If that makes me less than a decent person, then so be it.